Friends…
It’s vacation time! Well, not right now.
But soon!
My wife and I have a tradition we’ve enjoyed over the years. On our birthdays, we plan and organize a little trip for each other. Gifts are cool, sure, but we’re all about traveling while we pretend we have way more money than we really do…
For example, my birthday is coming up, and I will be much older than I will be admitting to here. (Hooray for the inexorable march of time leading us all to our inevitable doooooom…) My wonderful wife, despite how much she might be regretting this decision, has decided to rent us a cabin in the woods. Not a horror movie style cabin where the black guy dies first or anything like that. No, this place has a hot tub and a real cute fire pit type deal with those fun little egg-shaped chairs and shit. We’ll do some hiking, definitely my wife’s favorite thing; she most certainly didn’t freak out when we saw a deer on our most recent hike. He was following us; she just knows it.
Creepy ass deer eyeballs, gazing at her from behind the bushes. Vicious beasts, those deer. You can never be too careful…
We’ve been to quite a few places over the years. Living in the Midwest, we’re close enough to a few areas that make for great trips or vacations. Chicago is great, we’ve been there once or twice. I even had a homeless guy try to steal my phone last time. That was awesome. Gatlinburg is cool. Mountain views. Tourist traps. Walking across that ridiculously vertigo-inducing skybridge they’ve got. A markedly lower rate of homeless phone-stealer guys. Good times, for sure.
Typically, we rent a place through Airbnb. Some people seem to have a sour opinion of this idea. I’ve heard all sorts of reasons for the Airbnb hate. Boomers complaining about property values being affected. Surprise cleaning fees and hidden costs after checking out. One review I read for a prospective rental seemed to indicate the place was haunted. And by indicate, I mean these people were absolutely losing their shit and warning everyone not to stay there, lest Casper and his goons possess you and your entire family, resulting in some sort of murderous rampage…
I don’t know, sounds like a five-star experience to me.
In all our years of renting other people’s properties, I’ve only had one truly horrific experience. And to be fair, we didn’t even stay in the place. We fully intended to, really, we did. But my wife and I, unfortunately, fell victim to a real bait-and-switch. A devious switcheroo that we’ll remember for years to come.
Now, let’s talk about Niagara Falls. One of the most impressive sights to be seen in the entire country. Millions of pounds of water plunge over the falls every second. By my calculations, that’s the weight of at least four Walmart-powers-scooter-driving shoppers. Truly remarkable.
Something most people might not know, if they’ve never been, is that the surrounding area of Niagara Falls on the American side is a desolate hellscape of poverty and despair. Seriously, I was not prepared for just how depressing the area becomes when you venture about three blocks east of the carefully maintained national park. It’s a damn shame, actually. Now, you may be thinking, “No big deal, just choose a nice spot to stay a little further away and avoid all that…”
Sure. That’s absolutely what I should have done. I absolutely should have done some research on the area. Maybe even, oh I don’t know, five minutes of research. Instead, I did nothing of the sort. I saw some pretty waterfall pictures on the internet and said, “Hell yeah, let’s get soaked on one of those cool ass boats!”
I found a place on Airbnb that looked alright. Nothing too fancy, we’re simple people. We don’t need anything extravagant. After all, we weren’t planning on being in the rental for more than sleeping and maybe a quick bite to eat. This was a long weekend trip, not an entire week. The falls were the real attraction. So, I found a place that had all the right taglines.
“Four-minute drive to the falls!”
“Cozy urban getaway!”
“Comfortable space with vintage charm!”
Sounds great! Here’s a picture of the outside:
Not bad, right? Seems perfectly cute and cozy. Look at that white picket fence! Seems like the kind of place a couple could stay and enjoy their weekend. See the falls, go have a nice dinner, come back and relax. The perfect weekend getaway. My favorite part? It was well within the budget. We packed up the car and hit the road. One of the most amazing natural wonders we could ever hope to see was ahead of us.
Unfortunately, the realization of what I had done only dawned on us after we had driven the 8+ hour distance from home. Entering the city of Niagara Falls via car is an interesting experience. You pass through some normal looking areas. Buffalo looks neat.
Oh, look! That was a fun bridge. What a fun time!
And then, things start to…change. The landscape seems to shift. The urban trappings begin to look a little more rundown. We start to question what the neighborhood we’ve reserved our place in might look like. It wasn’t until we turned onto the street a couple blocks from the Airbnb that I truly realized the colossal enormity of my fuck up. I looked everywhere for a picture of the rental that I know I had taken in real life. I’m sorry to say, I’ve failed you, friends. I cannot for the life of me seem to find the pictorial evidence of just how terrifying this place was.
So, to make up for my failings, I’ve had a very-friendly-definitely-not-slowly-destroying-the-world AI pal mockup a photo for you all. This, to the best of my recollection, is an exact recreation of what we pulled up to after dutifully following the GPS for about 500 miles.
Yeah, that seems about right.
With my amazing wife giving me “The Look,” I decided to make my best attempt at salvaging the situation. Natural disaster response teams would be impressed with my efforts, I’m sure. I parked the car on the street, an incredibly easy feat considering there wasn’t a single parked car to be found in either direction. My guess is the locals knew better than to leave their cars exposed to a good ol’ fashioned wheel stealin’. As I approached the residence, I could hear the door locks click as my wonderful wife sealed herself inside the safety of our car. Till death do us part, or at least, until a deranged crackhead murders me in broad daylight outside an Airbnb…
I entered the lock code provided by my host for the front door and proceeded inside, where I was immediately met by an elderly woman who shrieked at me, “No clean yet! You go back! No clean yet!”
Needless to say, we cancelled that shit faster than my electric company does when I miss a payment. Luckily, despite putting almost no effort into researching any part of this trip other than waterfalls being pretty, I had thought to pay for the trip insurance. Did we actually have a travel emergency?
We sure fucking did.
Desperate times and all that. Turns out, the nearby Ramada was a relatively decent hotel. And we didn’t even have to worry about getting murdered or bringing home a highly evolved strain of bedbugs. Small blessings, friends.
Now, let me be clear. Niagara Falls is one of the most incredible experiences you can have. Aside from almost certain death and dismemberment by a tweaker named J-dawg, we had a great time. Take a boat right up to the falls. Walk down a slippery ass wooden staircase and stand under a torrential cascade of water. The place is amazing. At least, the national park managed area. If you’re planning a visit, I cannot stress enough how important it is to carefully vet the location you’ll be staying in. The majority of the city is horrifying and depressing. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
You’ve been warned.
Thanks for reading.
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See you in the next one.
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"What, there's profanity spray painted on the front? No, no that's just aesthetic decor..."
This was a fun read. My favorite bit is the falls measured in "Walmart-powers-scooter-driving shoppers". But the whole arrival is the real gold: driving eight hours while the neighborhood gets worse block by block, your wife locking herself in the car, and then walking in to an old lady shrieking "No clean yet! You go back!", Awesome.